"I’m pretty sure this corner of the world is the loneliest corner in the whole world."
I swore I was going to sign off on this this forever, but I seem to always do this because I have nowhere to dump my thoughts and I’m feeling incredibly cluttered as of late.
I’ve noticed as of late that there has been some things going on with my body that I haven’t been necessarily fond of. Going on almost 6 years ago, I shed 75 lbs from my body in hope that the guilt and the issues I was having with my stomach and body at that point would be gone for good. Lately, I’ve been feeling like my old self again, incredibly lumpen, sad, and infinitely exhausted at all of the things I have in front of me, and the mountain I have left to climb, and it makes me realize the one thing that sat so indelibly in front of me for the last 5 years or so, I spent way too much fucking time complaining and not enough doing. I’ve taken far too many things, like a friend, or a feeling, or a moment, for granted and in doing so completely forgot that i was living more comfortably than I could ever remember with people who loved me more than I allowed them to. I don’t remember being selfish, but I know I am.
My first year of college concludes in less than a week now. I realize I’ve been stuck in this rut of being a in a new, unfamiliar place, held down by the fact that my finances have been non existent, and my mind has been so central to school that I haven’t thought about so many things in such a long time. I lived through my first “real” winter, I walked to and from school every single day for almost an entire year, and I was able to make the Dean’s list for the first time ever in my entire life. Academically speaking, I am incredibly proud of myself and can only thank myself for working as hard as I have to prove to myself that I am capable of being academically successful. Emotionally speaking, I have been about as useful and helpful as a caged dog who’s been beaten and degraded to a pulp and has no fight left. It leads me to ask myself when I became so emotionally crippled?
It shows in most of my interactions from day to day, I avoid eye contact, I march sort of haphazardly from one destination to another and I’ve stopped doing the things I like doing. I don’t play music anymore (I tried for a spell, and just couldn’t feel it), my exercise routine is paling in comparison to my once extremely active self, I hardly even drink anymore. I just have no drive to be around anyone and I find myself being “inconvenienced” by small, meaningless tasks. I have become increasingly negative about my body again, and once again extremely quiet about how I’m feeling about it. I feel lazy, wiped, and lethargic, I’ve also started getting migraines again. Most days I just want to crawl back into my bed, in my small and shitty wooden box of a room, and forget that the rest of the world exists. In trying so hard to be present in my role as being a student, I have become lumpen to the world that I used to thrive in and my fucking mind hurts.
I miss being just above the poverty line to the point where I could survive in a world that I hate, but live comfortably with people I love more than anything said world. At least when I was “broke” I had money, at least when I wasn’t in school I had the opportunity to read and learn, instead of meeting deadlines with half-assed “A” papers and knowing that I can do better. I miss my city, I miss my friends, I miss some fucked up shit. All I do is miss. I miss my fucking opportunities, I miss my chances to fucking speak, I miss my chance to do the things I’ve always wanted to do but was to lumpen to realize it sat right in front of me.
I look at my life now, it’s really not that bad. I am doing well in school, I have a relationship that seems to be working quite splendidly. I can honestly say I know more now than I did 9 months ago. But in attempts to know more, I realize I have once again ignored people that care about me and I have hurt the ones I care about. My life is a shitty fucking paradox where I am trying to reinvent myself but in return forget who I was originally and somehow manage to erase the road map to get back there right before I can say “No, don’t hit delete!”
I don’t feel like myself. I feel like a shell again, and I don’t want to feel like a shell I just want to feel like a fucking person who is content with their life and willing to learn how to make it that much better.
I can’t tell if I just have the blues or if I am really losing touch. I just want someone to tell me that I can press a button and return to the way I felt when I was active, happy, and ready for something new. I need to find a way to get out of my current lumpen state and back into the lumpen life that I lived so fervently and cared so much about.
Whatever, this doesn’t make sense to anyone and I don’t even fucking care anymore. I’m going to go drive my car and listen to the menzingers and pretend like next year I will fucking love myself again.
For the 2nd time.
I’m disappearing from this site. For good this time. It makes me too sad and I miss home, and things, and bullshit too much. Also, I can only spend so much time looking at porn, gifs of mystery science theatre 3000, and so on and so fourth. Peace.
I am slowly turning into someone I don’t want to be anymore.
"Loving the past, the past 3 weeks where I felt like I did the same thing. Loving everyone just like me, I could die if I have to leave."